by Kassia Miller

I don’t feel sorry for you Prince Harry for the naked Prince Harry pictures that were leaked of you in Las Vegas. Even though you’re in royal trouble.

My pretty prince, photos of you nuzzling your package against a woman’s behind were leaked in the same week that your brother Prince William was lauded for saving a drowning girl’s life via helicopter. If someone is going to be sent to their room in the royal palace, it’s you.

But I don’t feel sorry for you.

First of all, you are a bloody idiot for letting someone take those pictures of you. I am no celebrity, nor am I a member of a royal family, but if someone gets out a camera to snap a photo, I make it my business to know exactly where that camera is, to make sure my face isn’t oily, and to make sure I’m not stuck on the end of a six-person group squeeze so that my upper arm doesn’t appear to be the seventh person photographed.

Look, I know you were drunk. But there are ways for drunk pictures to come out even better than sober ones. Trust me. It’s all about making sure your eyeliner is still in place but a little smoky and finding a drink mixer to cutely bite as you smile. Stealing someone else’s hat/sunglasses is also an option. But I can’t get into that now because you’re clearly still learning the basics. Come back to me once you’ve mastered those and I’ll show you how to make your gin-induced rosacea into a flirty blush.

And then, sweet prince, you always ALWAYS!! demand to see the picture that has just been taken to make sure your eyes weren’t closed or your smile didn’t look stale or your ballsack isn’t out. This is Living-In-The-Digital-Camera-Era 101, my spicy ginger! And yes, I know there were a lot of people there, and I know a lot of them could be taking pictures, but that’s no excuse. If you are sensitive enough to the issue at hand, and truly, truly scared of a bad photo leaking and someone (or the planet) seeing you in a light that you wouldn’t want to be seen in, then you open your eyes and ears and you find all the cameras. Go ahead and try to find a picture of me in a bikini bending over to put sunblock on my shins. Couldn’t find one, could you? Exactly.

You recently deactivated your alias profile on Facebook. Good looking out, but it’s a day late and a dollar short. Because, I don’t know if you noticed, but these pictures of you are everywhere. EVERYWHERE. You deactivating Facebook to control the shit stream of press is like me eating the parsley on the side of my already-snarfed truffle mac and cheese to make it a healthy meal. The horse is already out of the barn, my friend. And boy is it tasty.

And now, there’s apparently now VIDEO of your Vegas-capades ready to surface. Oh boy, oh boy. You could top The Dark Knight Rises at the box office. I really want to give you a lesson on viral video decorum and how to avoid this happening again, much like the pictures. But in order to do so, I’m going to have to see that footage. It’s really the only way. Think of it like telling your doctor about your family’s medical history. Come, my rust-colored pet. Show me those tapes.

No? Okay, fine. Then here’s another tact. Maybe you should just embrace who you are rather than trying to fight it. You are the redheaded maybe-step-child of British royalty who has put the Buck back in Buckingham! You’ve put the Lace back in Palace. You’ve put the Diddle into Kate Middleton. Maybe not yet, but it’s only a matter of time before you do.

(Photo: Pacific Coast News)

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